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How have you been?

The Cavaliers and I were in Charlotte, NC last night. TheBron scored 29 points and fouled out. The Large Lithuanian hit three straight buckets in the final two minutes. Andy was 8-for-9 with a dozen boards and Devin Brown scored 20 points and busted up the place. What a party …

Mike Brown didn’t think the 118-114 win was a thing of beauty, but a fact of life is that Slump-Busters rarely are. Cleveland got closer to clinching the fourth-seed and they snapped their three-game skein just in time for Round 3 with the Baby Bulls.

They hate being called the Baby Bulls – it’s like mussing their hair or pinching their cheeks. I would hate it, too.

But it just seems like they’ll be the Baby Bulls until they outdo the Michael Jordan Era. And MJ is now just a piece of their past – running the Bobcats and more concerned about Cuba Gooding, Jr. – who has seemingly limitless access to his underpants.

Even though Jordan used to beat the Cavs’ brains in back in the day, the rivalry never quite evolved into the hateful, vindictive feelings we have for, say, the Pistons or Celtics. And just because they have some former Cavaliers on their squad does nothing to make me dislike them. I couldn’t be cross with Drew Gooden if I tried. And Cedric Simmons?! Don’t get me started …

Still, the Cavaliers have no choice but to smote them up good on Thursday night for a nationally-televised audience – primetime on “the TNT.” And if it’s TNT, you know what that means. That means Sir Charles Barkley, and the possibility of him calling us “trrrible” or “knuckaheads.”

It hurts me, these derisive comments.

I love Charles Barkley. And Ernie. And Kenny. And just about everything about the TNT broadcast. For all the pre-produced, pre-packaged pablum that’s out there, the “NBA on TNT” is hands-down pro sports most organic show. And everyone knows Charles Barkley is the reason.

He speaks his mind, he’s genuinely hilarious, he rips hypocrites and throws frat-jerks through plate glass windows. Sometimes he man-hugs and kisses Dick Bavetta. And who could blame him for that?!

So what if he hates our guts and sometimes inadvertently spits at children?

Even if Sir Charles did want to jump on our Bandwagon, where would we put the man? He’s enormous!

You just don’t worry your pretty little heads, Cavalier fans.

The best way to keep Charles Barkley’s three bucks off our backs is to win – and win BIG – starting with Thursday night’s nail-biter at The Q. That way, he’s got to like us. And more importantly … we’ll like ourselves.

As Joe Tait would say: They won’t be sending the first half highlights to Springfield, Massachusetts.

But at halftime, Mike Brown’s epic, fiery sermon awakens the Cavaliers, and they come out of the locker room completely en feugo – burying their first six shots and jumping out to an early eight-point lead. At first, the Baby Bulls don’t know whether to crap or wind their figurative wristwatch.

But before long, the Bulls are the aggressors, with Larry Huge stroking a pair of three-pointers to put the Bulls up by five to end the quarter. It gets worse early in the period when Ben Gordon’s and-1 gives Chicago an 11-point edge with four minutes to play.

Mike Brown calmly calls a timeout and lets his team simmer down. He walks quietly over to the bench and instead of destroying the clipboard in a fit of rage – as he normally does – Brown calmly draws up “Play No. 1.” Coach is so cold-bloodedly methodical, the players can hear the magic marker squeaking.

“Play No. 1” is – as many of you guessed – the play where TheBron dribbles the basketball twice, busts around one defender, over another, and throws down a right-handed jam with great anger and furious vengeance.

TheBron has this play down and executes it perfectly, all the while loving levitation. This begins a 9-0 run that sees him dishing to Wally for one triple and his young ward, Boobie Gibson, for another.

By the time Jim Boylan calls timeout, 20,562 are like mad-dogs-in-a-meat-market. Still, with 8.8 seconds left, the Cavaliers trail by a deuce 100-99.

Following a Cavaliers timeout, Daniel Gibson finds himself wide-open in the corner, but loses the handle. He kicks it back to the young King who lifts and loads over a lithe Larry Huge …

3 … 2 … 1 …

Bron.

Cavaliers win it on TheBomb – 101-100 – three straight victories and red-hot chalupas for everyone!

Skip that up your Bayless!

Later that night, Charles Barkley leaves the Turner Studios in Atlanta. He goes out, has nice Cobb Salad, a cold brew. Maybe he throws a couple white dudes through some plate glass windows. When he gets home, he tells his wife all about this great game he saw between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Chicago Bulls.

You can say the same thing.

All you have to do is quit being so stubborn and …

Choose faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

please play loudly