Click here to contact the Optimist -archives-

Unless you’ve been living under a rock – and why would you be? – you know that the Celtics have the Wine and Gold by the junk in their best-of-seven Second Round series.

Boston barely beat our beloved Cavaliers on Tuesday night, but clobbered Cleveland by 16 on Thursday. TheBron continued to struggle mightily from the floor, the Large Lithuanian only got five shot attempts after halftime, and Big Ben Wallace fell out four minutes into the game with the vapors.

Cleveland is now down two games in their Eastern Conference Semifinal series with the hated Celtics. And just by looking at you droopy dogs – I can tell that you are in need of some tough love. You have come to the right place.

When I say “tough love,” I mean a column dedicated almost entirely to the dark art we call “Math.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Come on, Optimist! It’s Saturday and it’s May! I don’t wanna do no Math.”

Well, that’s hard cheese, Cavalier fans! You should have thought of that before you fell behind, 0-2. From now until the end of the column, it’s going to be Math, Math, and more Math. No Phonics. No Phys Ed.

Math.

FEAR THE BEARD!

I’m not even going to waste time or space with extra foo-foo graphics. [Not with the way we’ve been shooting the basketball.] Today, you get my bearded caricature, today’s beard(s) to be feared, the Bron Angry-Meter™ and, of course, little itty-bitty Coach Jim Mora – who still can’t believe we’re in the playoffs.

Let us begin with a simple postulation: No matter how many points the Cavaliers win by, they cannot win all four games of the series on Saturday night. They can’t even win two.

The Cavaliers can only win Saturday night’s game on Saturday night. Even you blockheads in the back of the class can agree with that one.

Of course, the topic of great concern has been TheBron, who, in two games from the floor has gone 8-for-42, which works out to roughly 0.19047619047619047619047619047619047619 percent. You might think I’m exaggerating. TheBron is the best basketball player on Planet Earth; there’s no way he could be shooting at that percentage. But it’s true – take out your calcumatics and crunch the numbers for yourself.

Much of this can be attributed to Boston’s notoriously stingy defense. Some of it can be traced to a lack of support. And some of it can be attributed to regular old bad luck. He’s missing shots he normally makes.

But I’m going to posit my own theory, utilizing the handy-dandy Bron Angry-Meter to illustrate my point. (Can someone call Audio-Visual?)

Thanks.

In the Cavaliers First Round series with the Wizards, the Chosen One had any number of variables at his disposal to make his bull run. If it wasn’t DeShawn Stevenson calling him names, it was Brendan Haywood or Darius Songaila clobbering him about the face, neck, head and chest. They wrote a rap song about him and even gave out t-shirts calling him a “Crybaby.”

Because of this – much to Washington’s chagrin – TheBron was operating between a 7.8 (severely indignant) and a 9.2 (acutely furious) at all times.

But the Celtics – for as much as I disdain them – have been the epitome of class. Boston’s played tough but clean defense, the fans have been boisterous but not belligerent, and Kevin Garnett hasn’t taken a swing at Anderson Varejao (yet).

Paul Pierce hasn’t even spit on anyone.

Unfortunately, this illustration of good sportsmanship has kept TheBron sputtering along somewhere between a 3.3 (palpably flummoxed) and a 4.1 (moderately disgruntled).

The Cavaliers aren’t going to win a series with numbers like that.

That’s where Kendrick Perkins’ tough foul midway through the second quarter irrecoverably changes the series. It’s not against TheBron, but instead, his young ward – Boobie Gibson. Predictably, the Chosen One is madder than a wet hen and his Second Round wrath begins.

Operating now at a 9.5 (wantonly destructive), the young King starts dropping three-pointers and bursting his way through the lane for high-percentage tomahawk jams. Boston gets momentary respites while they watch him shoot free throws.

Joe Smith nets nine points in the third quarter and Daniel Gibson earns eight in the fourth. Ray Allen leads all scorers with 31 points, but even his sharp-shooting can’t stop a 19-7 Cleveland run to end the ballgame.

The Cavaliers lead by six with two minutes to play, but TheBron closes the scoring with a pair of dramatic, dynamic, climatic and-1’s – as the pulsating Saturday night crowd at The Q goes ape-S. With 44 seconds to play, both coaches empty their benches – with the Cavaliers on the winning end of Game 3, 91-78.

Since the NBA Playoffs began back in the dark ages of man, only 13 of 211 – or approximately 0.061611374440758293886225592417062 percent of –– teams have come back to win a seven-game series. The Cavaliers are one of those teams. Saturday night’s victory is the first step to being No. 14.

Sorry about all the Math on a Saturday, friends. Let’s get this win tonight, and maybe I’ll take it easier on you on Monday.

Maybe.

Remember, down 0-2 or up 2-0, it’s of the utmost importance that we …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

please play loudly