Shalom, scrappy sons and sultry daughters of the Cuyahoga. It’s just me, the Optimist, checking in from cool and cloudy Cleveland, Ohio – home of Henry Mancini, Bob Hope, Jesse Owens, Paul Newman, Cy Young, Elliot Ness, Halle Berry, Superman, George Steinbrenner, Arsenio Hall, Tim Conway, Don Shula, Terrence Howard, Joe Walsh, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins and the holy trinity of Houlihan, Big Chuck and the Little John.
Cleveland is a place where a guy who once killed a man with his bare hands could eventually rise to the top of the sports world – (Don King) – and a place where a Mayor has the freedom to set his own hair on fire – (Ralph Perk). That alone would tell most trespassers not to fool with us.
But not the Pistons.
The Pistons hate our guts; and who could blame them? The last time Detroit Basketball rolled through Cleveland, they left the building sans the bulbous head of the Eastern Conference Championship Trophy.
It was the second straight season that the two clubs had met in the postseason, and they could be on a collision course for another matchup in May. These Central Division foes make no secret of their disdain for the other, and they meet not once, not twice, but thrice between tonight and the end of the regular season next month.
Somebody call Elk & Elk.
Everybody knows the Pistons are badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog. Luckily, the Cavaliers will be getting Detroit on the second night of a back-to-back – one night, that is, after they dropped 136 points on the Denver Nuggets, who play offense like the Globetrotters and defense like the Generals.
The Cavaliers don’t exactly have a soft schedule this week, either. Including tonight’s nationally-televised rumble, the Wine and Gold will continue this brutal slate consisting of five games in seven nights. (Just imagine if
you had to work five days out of seven?)
With all that going on, you’d think I would be insane to whip out a Guaranteed Win Night, wouldn’t you?
The thing is – if it was up to me, I wouldn’t dare guarantee a win over the Pistons. But sometimes the evil forces of Math and Science are too great to defy.
This is one of those instances.
It seems TheBron will lead all scorers at intermission, setting the tone with 18 early points. The Large Lithuanian takes over in the third, but Chauncey B-B-B-Billups cans a pair of treys to bring the Pistons to within a point at the end of three.
Coach Mike Brown – who demands that his men give 110% – catches a pair of (unnamed) players giving 108% and 105%, respectively. Brown calls timeout and tears a perfectly good clipboard limb-from-limb in the huddle without saying a word or drawing up a play.
His squad gets the picture, and in the fourth, all give 110% except TheBron – who tops out on Wednesday somewhere between 117-121%. That explains his fourth-quarter barrage in which he slices and dices precisely, carving up the normally-solid Pistons defense from the perimeter to the paint.
Rip Hamilton brings the Pistons to within a deuce with a stunning four-point play, but it’s too much Bron down the stretch for Detroit, which uncharacteristically commits six turnovers in the final period.
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THIS!!!
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Cavaliers win it – 98-94 – with Sir Damon Jones’ Chalupa-clinching three-point attempt drawing back iron at the buzzer. He still finishes with 14 points. Ben Wallace dominates his former mates on the boards, grabbing a game-high 21 rebounds. TheBron leads everyone with 33 points and 11 assists.
Before I leave you little meatheads, I feel that I should issue this stern but sensible warning …
Feel free to enjoy the upcoming March Madness. I know I will. But as Cleveland and the Cavaliers crawl out of their collective winter hibernaculum, we can’t have you girding all over the place. The last thing you want with just over a dozen games left in the season is a pulled loin.
So it’s fine if you want to take part in the NCAA Tournament. A finer sporting event you won’t find anywhere. But it is unacceptable to put the Cavaliers on the back burner. Several of you passed out in the third quarter of the Magic game after hitting it too hard on St. Patrick’s Day, and look what happened there!
I trust you’ll do the right thing, brave young Cavallieros. And it gives me peace of mind to guarantee tonight’s victory knowing that you little dummkopfs are there, ready to …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Your pal,
The Optimist
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