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Although they most definitely wouldn’t waste an exclamation point on you filthy American sons-of-a-dog, “Bonour!” is how the French say “Good day!”

“Nom de plume” is how they say “pen name.” They also call “TheBron” “LeBron” and a “Quarter-Pounder with Cheese” a “Royale with Cheese.” It’s like those French have a different word for everything.

Now, why would I break out some sissy-pants French on the day of such a potentially rough-and-tumble, knock-down-drag-out, bare-knuckled battle in Game Six?

Because French is the language of love. And I think we need to refocus ourselves on the love of the game – and not so much on our hatred of the Wizards. There’s been too much senseless violence, too much wanton destruction during this best-of-seven series. And our beloved Cavaliers have been dragged into the filth and muck of it.

Throughout the series – in print, in the clubs, and between the lines – the discourse has been below the belt. And at times, the Wizards’ unruly behavior has been uncomprehensible. Reprehensible. Indefensible.

FEAR THE BEARD!

But tonight, nothing can prevent the Cavaliers from returning to the sweet science of old-time basketball. TheBron is above this kind of nincompoopery, and on Friday night – despite the standard amount of physical punishment – he floats like a butterfly for three quarters and stings like a bee in the fourth.

On Friday night, the Cavaliers handle their business like adults without getting bogged down by personal grudges, the referees or a hostile Verizon Center crowd.

I expect a good, clean game.

For example: Normally, I would take it personally that yet another celebrity death just happened to occur during a postseason series with Washington – the sixth in our last two First Round meetings. But I’m not going to today.

Today, I’m going to take the high road as we take a brief respite to honor the passing of Swiss chemist and researcher, Dr. Albert Hoffman – who passed away at the tender age of 102 at his home in Basel, Switzerland.

For those of you narcs who don’t know, Dr. Hoffman is the man who became world famous for discovering the mind-altering drug, LSD. He did so in 1938 while doing research on a fungus that infects cereal crops, and he experienced his first “trip” – on a bike ride home – after accidentally ingesting a small quantity through his finger tip.

Hoffman called LSD "medicine for the soul" and was frustrated that it was hijacked by the youth movement of the 1960s.

Does his long, healthy life suggest that dropping a bunch of acid will help you live to be 102 years old? Of course it doesn’t. It suggests that dropping a bunch of acid and being from Switzerland will help you live to be 102 years old.

For the man whose first words when he gets to heaven will probably be: “Oops.” – let us please pause for a well-earned moment of silence …

Thank you.

I don’t know what Dr. Hoffman’s dying wishes were, but I presume one of them was that the Cavaliers finish off the Wizards. And who are we to deny him?

But I don’t think just an ordinary win will do, friends. The man was a centenarian, for crying out loud!

No, I think this requires a completely stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part. And I’m just the guy to do it.

That’s right: it’s Guaranteed Win Night.

I know what you’re thinking. “Is he mad?!” “A GWN – on the road?!” In the playoffs?!!!

As the young kids say: That’s how I roll.

The Cavaliers have no shame to their game on Friday night at the Verizon Center. TheBron is nonplussed by both the taunts of the sold-out arena, and the paper tiger defense DeShawn Stevenson throws at him in the first quarter – slicing and dicing precisely to the tune of 12 points after one period.

Washington gets more Boobie than a Russ Meyer movie in the second stanza, as Daniel Gibson cans three threes to give the Wine and Gold a four-point edge at intermission. His steal and alley-oop to Anderson Varejao midway through the third improve Cleveland’s edge to eight after three.

But the Wizards come roaring back in the fourth behind Caron Butler’s herculean effort, with “Tough Juice” putting Washington up one – 99-98 – with 14 seconds to play.

Coach Mike Brown gets inside the Wizard’s heads, inserting Damon Jones into the lineup following a timeout. All eyes are on the DJ, but nobody thinks the Cavaliers would be crazy enough to try that again.

TheBron takes the in-bounds pass and works his way past Stevenson. He gets into the lane where he’s met by Darius Songaila and deftly dishes the ball over to Joe Smith who raises along the baseline and unloads the jumper.

Bye.

Release. Rotation.

Splash.

The Cavaliers win it –100-99 – at the buzzer as Joe Smith is mobbed by his mates. The Wine and Gold celebrate yet another First Round victory over the Wizards, exiting the floor exultant while Souljah Boy weeps quietly into the arms of General Colin Powell, seated courtside.

Mike Brown’s Men move into the Money Round where they’ll face the winner of the Hawks-Celtics series at a date and time of the NBA’s choosing.

That’s the way it’s going down tonight, people. I’d wager whatever you have on that precise result if I were you. But remember, the economy is tough and money is tight – so you’re going to want to bet a lot of it, to make it worth your while.

As for you good-hearted Washingtonians, I’m sorry about the Guaranteed Win™ against your Wizards in a close-out game. I didn’t want to guarantee it.

I felt I owed it to them.

Those are my innermost thoughts and feelings, Cavalier fans.

In return, you meatheads can share your hometown-bound vow to …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

please play loudly